I just heard a rumor that someone has offered $1,000 to anyone who, over Simchat Torah, makes a shidduch that leads to marriage within a year. Sounds awesome! This should solve everything, right? Not so fast. Although I absolutely applaud the intentions of the person offering this extremely generous bounty, I don’t think it will make much of a difference.
Firstly, anyone who is sincerely interested in helping others find their “Basherts” will do so with or without monetary compensation. In fact, they’ve probably already been diligently working at it simply because they want to help others find happiness and, of course, secure for themselves some hefty bonus points from “the man upstairs”. Sure, the money is a nice windfall, but I doubt that it will bring out too many new, and truly sensitive and caring matchmakers.
Secondly, and more importantly, even if the newly inspired and motivated masses emerge from their hiding places and make hundreds of new “shotgun” introductions, the chances of any of those actually resulting in marriage are slim. Why? There are many reasons why people don’t get married. Every individual has their own, unique, and complex set of reasons and obstacles. I’ll list a few common ones.
One reason why so many people are single for so long is not because they haven’t met the right person to marry. It’s because they’re not really ready to make the lifelong commitment marriage demands. I know it seems as though they are, and most truly believe that they are, but the harsh truth is, if they really were, they would have already done so.
Until a man or woman have decided that they are sincerely ready for the ultimate commitment, regardless of how awesome and amazing the person they meet or date is, it simply won’t work. That’s because it has nothing to do with the other person, or how beautiful, handsome, sweet, intelligent, religious, ambitious, articulate, funny…(fill in the adjectives) they are. Since nobody is perfect, the person who’s not really ready will find that one imperfection and break it off because “it’s just not right”. Trust me…I’ve been there, done that, and seen it happen around me scores of times.
Another reason is low self esteem, which can translate into fear of rejection or being judged. If you feel you’re not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough,…you won’t be happy in a relationship.
If a person is unhappy or unfulfilled in their own life, they’ll probably be unhappy in a relationship. No one wants to a part of that situation.
Now that I’ve let the air out of this inspired shidduch solution, do I have anything constructive to offer? I’m glad you asked. First off, please continue to try making matches, but don’t just make introductions. Get to know the individuals you want to set up. Listen to what they have to say. The more you know about the person the smarter you can be regarding the matches you suggest.
What about the obstacles that I mentioned (and didn’t mention)? That’s where I can help. I’m ready, willing, and extremely motivated to speak with anyone who wants help removing their obstacles and finding their soulmate, so please do not hesitate to contact me.
Regarding the Simchat Torah offer, give it your best shot… you never know!